


Shulk Survives No Nut November

by CottonLegJoe



Series: The Crackhead Chronicles [1]
Category: Xenoblade Chronicles
Genre: """Humor"""", Gen, Inspired by Real Events, It was really hard not to break the fourth wall here, Oh who am I kidding this is totally real, Other characters and other series here but not long enough to warrant a tag, Sexual Innuendo but not enough to go full explicit, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CottonLegJoe/pseuds/CottonLegJoe
Summary: As the relative chill of November looms over the colony, the colonel issues a challenge to all men of the colony to practice abstinence to make them all stronger.The women, of course, aren't too happy about this, and accept the challenge.
Series: The Crackhead Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004175
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	1. Crazy Horny Bizarre Colony

"It was a beautiful day outside. High Entia were singing. Nopon were blooming. On days like these...Slackers like you....

Should be getting back to the military district in under 40 seconds."

"Colonel, that don't make sense at all." Reyn said from the crowd.

"Oh for the love of it, you're all LATE!" Colonel Vangarre screamed. "Late for this very important town meeting!"

"Colonel, if I may interject." Shulk eeped from behind Reyn."We already fixed the crashed artillery."

"WHAT? It crashed AGAIN?" Vangarre yelled."Oh, when I find the bums who did it.. Anyway, from request of the never mentioned higher ups of the colony, I've come here to issue a challenge!"

Instantly there were murmurs among the crowd. Mostly dealing with the fact that they had an actual government. And most of that talk based on how they were probably just going to ignore this.

"Oh, and did I forget to mention the prize?" Vangarre sneered, pulling some sort of bean out of his pocket, and now you have to imagine what Vangarre looks like in casual clothing. 

Once the bean was actually identified, the crowd was instantly shut up.

"Yes, a Black Liver Bean!' Vangarre laughed."I hear Colony Six needs one more for reconstruction!"

Instantly filled with the prospect of worthless equipment they'll never use, the entire crowd leaned in.

"The challenge is called: No Nut November!" Vangarre pointed at the sky." Starting from today, November 1, all the way to November 30, in an effort to strengthen our men, they must practice abstinence. If even one of you makes the distance, you win the prize. However, I have instructed the females to stop you at all costs, and if you lose, they get the Bean."

* * *

**_November 1, 2020. 12:22 PM, 708 Hours Remain_ **

"Ey, Shulk, weren't you supposed to meet up with Fiora by now?" Reyn asked the blonde in the lab. "Y'can't be seriously thinkin' about risking your relationship with her just for the bean."

Meanwhile, Shulk stared at the Colony Six completion report. It's been 99.8% for two whole years now, even now, after the conclusion of the game.

"I just can't get over that completion percentage." Shulk in his OCD nerd stupid nerd dumb stupid nerd brain thought.

"So that's how it is?" Reyn laughed, patting Shulk on the back." I'll watch your back to the end. We're in this together! Just make sure to stay away from Desiree, we all know she's a slut."

Just then, the anti air defenses started blaring like crazy, and of course, being war orphans, Shulk and Reyn were used to deafening noise, but not to Riki's voice.

"Friends come quick! Big hole appear outside!" Riki screamed.

"It's..IT'S COMING!" One of the soldiers said to the big black spewing hole in the sky.

"W-what's that?" Reyn asked.

Before Shulk got to answer, the hole spewed something out of itself...

It was a Xenoblade 2 Character.

Thankfully, or not, depending on whether you saw the interpretation of Xenoblade 2 characters coming out of a giant allegory for an asshole a statement, it was just Rex.

"Oi, how ya doin' ya cheeky tarts?" Rex asked the crew.

Without a hesitation, Shulk cleared his throat.

"Nuthin' much, mate. Reckon someone opened a big rift in the sky." Shulk responded.

"Well, I was in a jolly good mood tryin' to survive No Nut November.." Rex started.

"Pull the other one, you've got No Nut November November in your universe?" Shulk asked.

"Yep, issued by the Feds n'all." Rex sighed, before another spew of the not asshole asshole brought aliens and giant mechs and...

"Elma!" Shulk yelled! "Please not now!"

And it wasn't just normal Elma this time, it was Hot Alien Mommy GF Elma!

Within a fourth of a second of her arrival, the guy besides them immediately nutted and died, along with the surrounding men.

"Say, Rex, wouldn't happen to have a plan right bout' now?" Shulk asked, their urges building up.

Rex chuckled. "Course I do, mate."

And without a shadow of a doubt, Rex immediately ran away.

Shulk, Riki, and Reyn, of course, followed suit.

Imagine the Mechon invasion, but instead of people getting eaten alive and dying, it was a bunch of men getting their dicks sucked off. Which is, of course, way more horrifying, read this story at your own risk.

"Man, the girls are really bent on getting that bean!" Reyn sighed.

"The girls! They must have started this!" Shulk raged.

The group finally got to the edge of the city, finally finding Dunban.

"Dunban! Where's Fiora?" Reyn panted.

"I thought I told you she was at Outlook Park." Duncan said as he pointed to the park with the massive portal opener."Oh, I see what you mean."

"Well? Let's go stomp em'!" Reyn yelled.

"No." Shulk sighed." It's crawling with women from all of our dimensions, so if we go there we'll lose."

The group thought long and hard while the city was on fire for some reason, and one of them came to a conclusion.

"I'll go and stop em'." Rex confirmed." You go and get out of here."

"What? We ain't just gonna leave you here!" Shulk yelled.

"I'm the only gobber whose got a chance at that mech with my scream." Rex solemnly said."Plus, you lot's got the most self control out of any of us. So go"

Finding no way to argue or any other solution, the group reluctantly moved.

Once the Four got far enough from the city, they finally let themselves take a break.

"Riki thought Rex-Rex's voice got better by end of series?" Riki asked.

Shulk knew.

All he saw was the wormhole disperse, and Rex's nut, as they finally moved on to Tephra Cave.


	2. Nut a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

**_November 7, 2020. 8:42 A.M, 544 Hours Remain_ **

_**Location: Bionis' Leg** _

"M-Man, it's freezin'" Reyn sniffled. "M-my arm's about to fall off."

"Maybe that's because you kept edging, Reyn." Shulk retorted. "Then we wouldn't have had to shove you into a pool with your clothes to make you stop."

"Don't mean I can't complain." Reyn sighed."Thanks for the help, though."

"Don't mention it." Duncan agreed." Even surviving this long proves your temperance is beyond everyone else's at the colony."

The group laughed.

"Riki been walking for days!" Riki exclaimed."Where Shulk and Dundun heading?"

"Wherever those malicious thots can't get us." Duncan responded.

"Our best bet is to just keep running up the Bionis, which would lead us back to.." Shulk started.

"The Marsh." Reyn sighed. "Took a week to get all the mud out my feet."

"Don't be too hasty." Duncan said to Shulk."Getting to the marsh means we have to cross over to Colony 6."

"Exactly." Shulk responded."We can resupply and arm ourselves there, if you know where to look."

"That also means walking into the biggest cesspit of prostitution of Bionis." Duncan asked. "As soon as reconstruction began, people from all walks of life have come to make a new living, and not exactly in the good way."

"Riki hear rumors back home." Riki added." Healing ritual of No Nut November happen near Colony. Making offering there increase sexual vitality!"

"We don't have anywhere left to run." Shulk sighed."It's our only hope."

* * *

"L-look! It's the gate leading to the colony!" Reyn half exclaimed half panted.

And so it was. The massive bronze beacon of hope was there, waiting for our heroes to penetrate it with all of their vitality.

And so they ran to it. So distracted, in fact, they had not noticed that Reyn had been shot for a few seconds.

"R-Reyn!" Shulk screamed being the first one to notice, as his call brought the other two to his side.

Immediately noticing the dart's trajectory, Duncan pinpointed it to the cliffs, where, for a second, a cloaked figure could have been seen.

While Duncan did that, Reyn began to spontaneously spasm.

"W-what is that?" Shulk turned his attention to the dart. Duncan responded and picked it up.

"Pure Love Source." Duncan sighed."75% purer than what was legally allowed. Something like this could have only been made from a certain flower only growing on the very tip of the platform where Colony 6 stands."

"W-what do we do?" Shulk asked." If we don't do anything, he'll get blue balls. The only way to stop it is for him to nut!"

The group had to ponder for a moment.

"W-wait. The river." Shulk pointed out. "If we can make it before he gets blue balls, we might have a chance."

And so the two carried and ran. Once they crossed the bridge and got to somewhere shallow enough, they lay Reyn there.

"I-it's not working!" Shulk noting the still spasming Reyn.

Just as the two protagonists looked at each other for an idea, Riki stepped in.

"F-Freezinate!" His attack went, and into the water it went.

While it looked to have caused Reyn major discomfort, it seemed to quell his horny.

As soon as the Art finished it's effect, Shulk and Duncan immediately grabbed Reyn out of the water, having him damp and shivering.

"This is what happens when you only bring one pair of clothes, Reyn." Shulk scolded.

* * *

"H-hey there." A stall run by a male smack dab in the middle of the colony said to the group." You look like some smart cookies still in No Nut November. How's about I show you some merchandise, on a discount for you brave men."

Duncan chuckled.

"I see what you mean by 'knowing where to look.'"

Shulk wasted no time, and handed the stall keeper a slip of paper, indicating an order.

"Oh." The No Nut Negotiator deduced. "Then this must be for you."

He handed Shulk a large package, seemingly bursting at the seams.

"Never one to go without a plan, I see?" Duncan laughed.

Shulk said nothing and urged them to go somewhere more private.

"Yeah, Yeah, I get it." Reyn responded. "Place gives me the creeps. For a place for prostitution the place looks pretty male to me."

Once the group returned to the outskirts of the city, the four huddled around their package.

"I knew the girls would plan something like this." Shulk giggled."So I only managed to bring the bare essentials, everything else I ordered: Food, Water, Sleeping Bags, the works."

"Then what are these?" Reyn said, holding up giant black bars, sets of clothes meant for women, a massive binder, and some Axe.

"Those are in case things go awry." Shulk responded."The bars are for Censorship, and along with the clothes, we can censor anything we don't need. These are binders of trading cards, packed with whatever rare cards I could get from a vast variety of TCG's. The Axe is just so we can stand each other's scent. Yes, we may need to ditch showers to minimize our desires."

"I must applaud you, Shulk. You really came prepared." Duncan smiled."Alright, everyone get changed so we can have dinner."

Making absolutely sure to turn away from each other when dressing, to minimize both gayness and awkwardness, the four went to their corners to change.

Once Shulk finished, he could only tally three.

"W-where did Reyn go?" Shulk exclaimed, as the three looked around while filling their bags.

Once the bags were full, the trio finally noticed Reyn being dragged by a cloaked figure with, dare I even speak it, exposed ankles.

"S-Shulk!" Reyn screamed as he was dragged to the entrance to the Ether Mine.

Once the trio ran and got out of the elevator, Reyn could no longer be seen. So their only option was to run blindly in.

* * *

Once they had practically combed the place, they finally noticed that the barrier blocking the lower levels of the Ether Mine was cleared, and, sure enough, Reyn was at the bottom, standing like he was in a fight.

Taking the speediest route possible, the group finally reunited, and huddled together, handing Reyn his bag, and drawing their Censor Bars.

Instead of enemy females coming to take their virginity, all they heard was a clapping noise.

"Impressive, Reyn. You lasted longer than anyone in the Colony. Even long enough for your friends to come." The disembodied yet familiar voice stated. 

"Except we're not coming, we're leaving." Duncan retorted.

The hooded figure finally went down and, to no one's surprise, turned out to be Sharla in her incredibly tiny shorts.

"Oh, you will be." Sharla snapped, literally.

As the sound of the snap came along, the enemy females coming to take the boys' virginity finally arrived.

They were completely surrounded. Enemy females surrounded their immediate vicinity, stood on the cliffs, some even rode on Mobile Artilleries. 

"In case you haven't figured it out." Sharla glared at Reyn."The men over at Colony 6 already lost No Nut November, so there wasn't much use sticking around there."

"A-any ideas?" Reyn asked, before all four of them were shot multiple times with Love Source.

"Now you can't even get up to make a play." Sharla sighed.

"Hold on. Don't get hasty." Duncan struggled to say. "Riki, use Freezinate!"

Riki obliged as Duncan threw up half of his water canteen into the air, then, once it landed, Riki used his Freezinate to freeze the water solid, lessening the effects of the Love Potion for a short amount of time.

"Now, use Burninate!" Duncan yelled as he threw more water.

As Riki obliged, the ice and the water quickly turned to steam.

"And do you really think a bit of steam is gonna save you now?" Sharla laughed.

"And now, Shulk, use Virginity Overdrive and direct it to any exposed female part!" Duncan yelled.

As Shulk obliged, the room became something out of a super cliche anime, but at least all the women were concealed.

"Now, Move!" Duncan yelled and the other three obliged.

Making their way past the crowd, Sharla simply giggled.

"Did you forget, Duncan? You're still in the Mobile Artillery's Range!" Sharla laughed.

Before anyone else could react to the tens of Love Sources being shot out of the Mobile Artillery aimed at Shulk, Reyn stepped in, seeing the opportunity for him to do something, using his large body to protect his fellow teammates from a single Love Source.

The communication was undetectable, but it went through. Shulk knew that Reyn had taken the blow and collapsed at the ground. He took a split second to try and reach him, but that split second was all the Enemy Females needed, and he too was shot full of Love Source, and so followed Duncan and Riki.

"I-it can't end like this." The whole group thought.

But Reyn was the one who stood up.

"Won't let it end like this!" Reyn yelled."Can't let our No Nut November runs just sputter and die out!"

Reyn could already feel the nut coming up. He knew he'd already lost.

All he could do was prevent his friends suffer the same fate as him in a few seconds.

"This is my spirit!" Reyn exclaimed."The spirit of all the No Nutters still fighting! It's the Homan spirit!"

Sharla was unsure of what was happening, but pelted Reyn with a few more Love Sources, just in case.

"Shulk! Duncan! Riki!" Reyn used all of his energy to shout."This is my last Nut! Take it, in a completely platonic and metaphorical sense!!!"

Immediately Reyn's body lit a gold aura, and no sense could be perceived. All the group could sense was them being launched in the direction of the Spring Secret Area that Should Not Have Been A Secret Area.

Once their launched bodies tore through stone and steel just to make it there, Riki immediately cast Freezinate on the water as to prevent the group from nutting.

They kept there for an hour, Riki continuously casting the Art to cure the group of their urges.

Once the trio, save for Shulk, were fully relieved, they got up to find two things: the collapsed walls, preventing them from going back...

And a fully censored Sharla standing over the pool.

"Don't think this is over yet." Sharla exclaimed."I don't need Love Sources to make you Nut! And you're completely defenseless!"

"Have you ever heard of the concept of the _Allusions_?" Duncan asked, to Sharla's confusion."I thought not. They are the physical manifestation of one's will to rip off Jojo's."

Duncan gestured for Shulk to use Positive Virginity Energy on Duncan.

"Using my Petal Blossom Weeaboo Powers, I can have Riki here act as my _Allusion_." Duncan grinned. "Now come forth, Riki Platinum!"

"Well, this sucks." Sharla shook her head.

"RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI RIKI

R I K I"

Although dealing little damage, the Riki Rush managed to knock Sharla into the water, where Shulk finally seemed to be getting up.

"Wash yourself clean now, you Thot." Duncan pointed.

The splash launched Shulk out of the water, where he proceeded to say no words, and merely ran to the entrance of the elevator.

"R-Reyn!" Shulk yelled."Please, no!"

The only thing that answered him was silence.

Duncan and Riki bowed their heads.

Although he was the first out, his valor and bravery had the strength and impact of Bronze, the medal he rightfully earned.

_**Reyn** _

_**Status: Out** _

_**Eliminated on: November 8, 2020, at 4:22 PM.** _


	3. Terminuttor

**_November 15, 2020, 6:42 AM, 354 Hours Remain_ **

**_Location: Satorl Marsh_ **

"Riki not find any fish." Riki sighed. "Riki going to starve!"

"Heh. Looks like you did find something." Duncan laughed, taking a strange suckling creature with tentacles.

" **I am the squid beyond the fourth wall."** it said in a solemn, but squeaky, voice." **What wisdom do ye fools seek?"**

"The wisdom to make you our dinner." Duncan responded.

"Riki afraid of weird fish." Riki said as he hid behind Duncan.

"The fish means no harm to you." Duncan assured him."I assure you, it will cause you no anguish now or ever."

And so Duncan found their cave, strategically full of drugs, and sat the "fish" next to the fire.

" **W-wait!"** The strange fish started." **You're all 2 dimensional characters. Your lives are all controlled by losers imagining you from words on a screen! AHHH!"**

Note that the "AHH"s were in intervals as he was turned over the fire.

"Ooh! Riki's tummy go rumbly!" Riki yelled. "Give Riki fish!"

"Now, now, Riki. Let's ask Shulk if he would like to eat" Duncan said, walking to the man with his head down."Shulk?"

"Not right now." Shulk murmured.

"Shulk, you've been like this since Reyn lost." Duncan sighed.

"It's not fair." Shulk pouted."His run was stolen."

"That may have been so, but it is our will to complete this challenge that makes his sacrifice not in vain." Duncan assured."Now come, eat."

After Shulk agreed, and the trio got in a single bite, a massive earthquake ravaged the marsh.

"T-that's impossible!" Shulk yelled."We're on a Titan! How does that even work?"

With shining curiosity, the three rushed outside to take a look.

"That's no earthquake." Duncan gasped. "It's...Vanea!"

"Correct you are again, Hero of the Hams." Vanea heard from across the Marsh somehow.

"I knew it. Only her breasts would be heavy enough to cause that kind of rupture!" Duncan said, urging the two others to flee.

And so they did. Through grassland, mud, and despawning, yet overlevelled Unique Monsters.

"Oh no! We don't have Melia with us!" Shulk gasped." That means we can't activate the elevator!"

With Vanea already on the platform leading up to the ceremonial ground, the group had to make a decision now.

"Looks like we're going to have to fight." Duncan sighed, bringing out his Censor Bar.

All three of the remaining males threw their censor bars at the robot lady, the bars being amped up with Shulk's Virgin Energy. It hit the target dead on.

"It's no use!" Shulk yelled."Even with the censors, her breasts are just too big to contain!"

"They must be fake." Duncan "joked".

With the ever large bosomed one slowly approaching, the group had no choice but to flash their rare card collection.

Instantly, the shine from these rare cards turned into a rainbow gayer than this website.

It did nothing.

"Oh no! I forgot she was into machines and stuff!" Shulk panicked."Nerdy stuff like this doesn't turn her off!"

"Like I said, you will fail this challenge." Vanea laughed."Now bring me that dick, you fucking losers."

With our protagonist's backs against the wall, Riki, without a thought, found a shiny looking blaster in his backpack and shot Vanea with it's white ray.

"Riki, what did you do?" Duncan asked.

"Oh no!" Shulk yelled." That's the Horny Ray! It turns anyone shot by it 10,000 times hornier! And she was already horny before!"

Now, with eyes as sharp as a tiger, or her creepier Definitive Edition redesign, she charged as the men with intent as strong as a female Beaver.

"Listen, when I say jump, you jump." Shulk ordered, with Duncan and Riki nodding.

And so Shulk bit his lip and waited for Vanea to charge closer, and closer, and closer, until...

"Now! Revali's Gale is now Ready to Roll!" Shulk yelled, pointing his replica Monado in the air, causing a massive cyclone to erupt and launch them into the air, but not high enough.

All of a sudden, the massive eruption of Vanea's charge caused her to go into the wall, sending stone right up to the trio, who blocked with their arms, were then launched up high enough by the rocks. 

Barely getting their bearings, the group made a run for it, Vanea scaling the height already.

In a contest of speed, there was no contest to Vanea at the moment, so all the trio could do was run through the Bionis' Interior.

As soon as they finally made it halfway, Vanea was already in hot, visible, but still hot pursuit.

"Come on, we just have to make it to the geyser!" Duncan yelled, just as they got to the edge of the geyser.

When they had no other choice but to make a jump for it, as Vanea was a hair behind, they all jumped, barely making it an inch on the water before Vanea grasped Shulk's leg, who was then shot up by the massive geyser.

* * *

_**November 16, 2020, 4:56 PM, 310 Hours Remain.** _

_**Location: Makna Forest.** _

"Duncan!" Riki!" Shulk yelled from some part of the Forest's entrance.

Shulk yelled this all across the bridge, trying to recall some sort of memory after being knocked out for a day. The last thing he remembered was shooting up the geyser, when he saw it: A burnt out fireplace.

Suddenly, the memories of the three camping while Shulk was unconscious was somehow returning to him. And that's when Shulk realized where they were. They planned to go ahead to find some berries by the cliffside.

And, sure enough, there was Duncan and Riki, and of course...

"Vanea!" Shulk yapped."How could you have possibly survived the geyser shot?"

"Using you boys as pillows, of course!" Vanea smirked."My, how the turns table."

Duncan and Riki, went limp, helplessly edging to Vanea's fake real fake sort of breasts.

"N-No!" Shulk yelled, before he eventually gave in and edged too.

All hope seemed lost for our cumrades, when, in one moment of luck, one moment of clear thinking, during the release of precum, Duncan made a decision.

"Now, are you ready to concede this No Nut November?" Vanea laughed.

"Hmm. Daga Kotowaru." Duncan, the complete weeb, just had to say.

Immediately, Duncan used what control over his body he had left, and jumped off of the cliff.

"Ha. Wha..." Vanea started.

As it turns out, a vine was there for Duncan to hang on to, that also tied around Vanea's leg.

"Nice attempt, however you seem to forget that Homs aren't enough to melt steel beams." Vanea said."Wait, let me try that again."

"Now Shulk!" Duncan yelled.

"I-I can't!" Shulk replied.

"Dew it!" Duncan responded.

Conceding to his impressive Palpatine impression, Shulk readied his body, and thus gold virgin energy began to flow out of his arms, culminating in a shockwave strong enough to knock both Duncan and Vanea off the ledge. As for Duncan, his clear conscience will ride with the silver winds, as free yet sturdy as the title he has earned.

_**Duncan** _

_**Status: Out** _

_**Eliminated on: November 16, 2020, at 5:00 PM.** _

* * *

"Riki tired of running!" Riki yelled."Riki want to take a break!"

"Riki, we don't have time." Shulk reassured."We're on the run from the other thotties chasing us. If Frontier Village is toast, then so are we."

However, it was not toast. In fact, the whole village came out of their new fortifications to greet their so called "Heropon of NNN."

"Silence!" Chief Dunga shouted."We must now welcome our esteemed Heropon, and aid him on his quest for abstinence!"

The Nopon all cheered, while Dunga filed them in on their plan to harbor them in the basement.

* * *

**_November 23, 2020. 1:00 A.M._ **

As he was in a Nopon village, Shulk could not tell if the massive boom sound was the Nopon doing Nopon things, or the storming of the Enemy Females still after them. Shulk could hardly sleep at this point.

"Hey, Riki, you up?" Shulk poked at Riki's limp body.

"Shulk caught Riki by suprise! Ruined dream of tasty sausage, too!" Riki scolded.

"Sorry, I just couldn't get any sleep." Shulk sighed."What do you think's happening out there?"

"Riki guess it's the wifeypons of friends." Riki said, groggy eyed.

"That was my guess too." Shulk said. "For a bunch of Nopon, managing to make them think that all of Frontier Village failed NNN was a heavy undertaking, when in reality no Nopon has failed."

"Helps that Wifeypons of Nopon golddiggers." Riki yawned.

* * *

**_Eight Hours Later_ **

"Ahh." Shulk yawned. "It feels good to know there's at least some friendly places on Bionis." 

"Riki hungry for breakfast!" Riki jumped around.

But, of course, like the author's patience for this story, a bunch of female Nopon came barging in a hurried manner.

"Riki!" Oka screamed."Ohh, when Oka get hands on you, Oka will....OOoh! Get them!"

In a similarly rushed manner, a bunch of Enemy Females have gathered across the entrance.

"Not if Dunga has something to say about it!" Dunga announced."Nopon, fight for your Heropon!"

And so the Nopon clashed with the Females, as Shulk and Riki were about to join in, but were stopped by Dunga.

"Transportation is ready! Go to the Shoulder already!" Dunga yelled at them both.

Shulk and Riki took Dunga's advice, and, sure enough, the familiar blue burst of light had erupted, defended on all sides by Nopon.

"Come on Riki, you go first." Shulk said.

"No. It is Shulk that must complete this challenge." Riki retorted."Riki want to stay and help Frontier Village!"

"Riki, I can't do this alone!" Shulk pleaded.

"No time to argue, go!" Riki yelled, shoving Shulk into the light beam.

Riki sighed, and the beam was closed.

"Chief surprised Riki last this long" Dunga inquired."Especially with all his littlepon."

"Riki had to save it for occasion like this." Riki smirked before, uh, oh god, I am not going into detail about this, you know what he does, just please don't make me. My fingers feel dirty just typing this.

And so Riki failed. But his golden heart, to match his golden status, was what turned the tide of the challenge for good, by simply staying and helping his brothers.

**_Riki_ **

**_Status: Out_ **

**_Eliminated On: November 23, 2020, at 9:00 AM._ **


	4. Look Over Here

**_November 25, 2020. 11:25 AM, Inconsistent Hours Remain._**

**_Location: Bionis' Shoulder_ **

"That place." Shulk whispered in a drowsed state near the fire."I need to make it to that place. Thanks to Riki buying me two days, I've managed to get a headstart."

A inconveniencing wind blew over the charred remains of Teelan's laboratory, of course putting out the fire that Shulk had been huddling around.

"If I remember correctly, Gran Dell should be far enough back for me to not be noticed." Shulk sighed. "Though I doubt I have enough speed to make it there before my enemies do."

And so Shulk opted to just stay put and hope for the best.

"I'm a wreck. I've been edging three times a day." Shulk's inner thoughts crawled on him."If they don't get me, I'll take myself out. Gah, what's the point in all of this?"

A previously inconvenient wind blew harder this time, quelling Shulk.

"Fine. I deserve that." Shulk thought. "But I need a plan to make it to that place."

And so another wind blew over Shulk, this time so hard that his face was visibly moved to a corner of the burned house.

It also moved a pile of sand over to vaguely make out a sideways V and a hook.

"Wait." Shulk thought.

* * *

_**November 25, 2020. 3:38 PM, Hours Remain** _

"That place." Shulk mumbled as he walked past the cave."I need to get to that place."

Seeing how close he finally was to his destination, Shulk decided to make a run for it, until...

"Damn." Shulk thought. 'They made it here faster than I could. Guess there's nothing to it. I'll have to brute force it."

Shulk gulped, and brought out his giant collection of Trading Cards, and by Trading Cards, I mean the ones that have a Game to put some extra virgin in your olive oil.

"Come and get me, thots!" Shulk, in his best Reyn impression, yelled.

Shulk immediately rode out of the ruins to meet his adversaries guarding the bridge chain. Trumpets were sounded to indicate his arrival, and many females came out to greet him. Only this time, this was a bad thing.

Trying to flash his massive, girthy, card collection, Shulk was met with unimpressed faces and a slap to the face, which knocked him out.

* * *

"I don't like it, I don't like it one bit."

Fiora sighed, her big, jiggling, doubt clouded the room.

"Shulk isn't like Reyn, he's not one to come here without a plan." Fiora groaned. "Alright, that's it, I'll just talk to him."

Fiora sighed, left the room, and headed up to the roof of Gran Dell.

"Alright, Shulk, tell me wha..." Fiora started, before she noticed the tying adhesive she used was somehow cut.

Shulk, standing over the edge, gave a quick salute, and then jumped off.

Grinning, Shulk found exactly what he was looking for: A giant ship.

Coming on board and bouncing around the Nopon crewmates like volleyballs, which caused all the other crewmates to fall out, Shulk made a mad dash to the control device, hammering it open and setting the ship off.

Boxes and Boxes of cargo flew off, leaving the ship bare. 

"What are you all doing?" Fiora yelled at any female who was in earshot."Get him!"

But it was too late. Shulk was far gone in the massive flag tradeship, and was heading over to the even more massive floating city.

Upon reaching the Capital, Shulk pinpointed the nearest port, and slammed the brakes, causing the ship to plummet, Shulk jumping off at the last second and causing severe damage to it.

"I have to make it to that place." Shulk yelled, shoving the horrified onlookers aside." For their sake, I need to make it to that place!"

Shulk ran past residents, bars at the edge of the city, giant floating stands, and those weird escalator things everyone jumps off of, and finally made it to the palace.

"Ah, Master Shulk."the palace receptionist greeted. "Do you need to set an appointment?"

"Melia!" Shulk screamed.

"Oh, the Empress is quite preoccupied at the moment. I apologize." the receptionist responded. "Would you like to wait in our esteemed waiting room in the meanwhile?"

Shulk, trying to grasp breath, noticed the horde of females coming out of the conventional teleport entrance.

"Listen!" Shulk yelled." Call Melia and tell her that it's about No Nut November and that I'm looking for her!"

"Of course, Master Shulk." The receptionist lady picked up the phone, as Shulk hammered his way to the throne room.

* * *

"What?" Melia said with a tinge of fascination." I never sent Shulk any of the higher ups' message about NNN. How does he know?"

"He failed to mention, My Empress." The receptionist lady said. 

"Well, a meeting with Shulk must always be honored." Melia delighted."I shall meet him at once."

"Shulk ran towards the throne room, My Empress." The receptionist told her.

"Ah, you have my thanks." Melia thanked, and put down the phone.

The receptionist followed suit.

"Oh, how lovely, Miss Fiora is also here to meet Her Majesty." The receptionist smiled.

* * *

"N-No! She's not here!" Shulk sighed." She could be in her garden!"

And so Shulk turned around with haste.

"Not hasty enough, I presume." Fiora looked at the surprised Shulk.

"N-No!" Shulk yelled."I won't let it end here!"

"It seems your libido says otherwise." Fiora noted."Face it, Shulk, you lose. We're in a room all alone. Just how I like it."

"I-I can't help it, can I?" Shulk pondered in his last moments. "At least I proved I could have lasted this long. But what about my friends? They all sacrificed everything to instill hope in me. And I let them down. How could I face them? I was too weak to win. Forgive me."

Paying no heed to the teleporter behind them, Fiora was too busy reveling in unholy thoughts, while Shulk looked to the sky for any sort of hope.

But then, a simple whirr came about the teleporter from the side.

"Apologies, Shulk. Our people run on a season based mating cycle, so I might not...." Melia started.

This one image of Melia was enough to shoot Shulk's libido and horniness to an absolute minimum, as he forced Fiora off of him in an all powerful anti-horny shockwave of pure white energy.

Shulk began to enter a partial Nirvana like state, his horniness collapsing down to unreal negatives just from the sight of Melia. Using this power, he managed to ward off Fiora and all other females in the vicinity just out of pure anti-horniness.

The part of his brain that had not ascended, of course, couldn't take this level of No Nut Enlightenment, and passed out.

* * *

**_November ???, ????. ?:?? ?M. ??? Hours Remain._ **

**_Location: ?????  
_ **

**_"Shulk." A familiar voice called out."Shulk!"_ **

**_"A-Alvis?" Shulk yawned. "Where are you?"_ **

**_"Far, Far Away." Alvis said, and as Shulk blinked._ **

**_"And yet here as well." Alvis finished, his humanoid form before Shulk._ **

**_"Why have you come here to contact me?" Shulk asked. "I'm guessing you're the one who gave the messages about No Nut November?"_ **

**_"Blink again." Alvis asked. And Shulk did as instructed._ **

**_"W-what's wrong with your lips!" Shulk yelped at the far more polygonal form Alvis has taken. "And your fingers, they're just rectangles! And your necklace, it changed into a key that's melded into your chest!"_ **

**_"Blink again." Alvis asked. Shulk stuttered for a bit, then obliged._ **

**_"W-what's wrong with your..everything!" Shulk inquired."You look like something out of Duncan's comic books he reads naked."_ **

**_"Now do you see the issue, Shulk?" Alvis finally explained, emphasis on the 'finally'."Your dimension is falling into a superposition that melds in space and time. Tell me, how could you climb the Bionis after the defeat of Zanza? How could the Imperial Capital be on the Shoulder, if the passageway in Frontier Village leads to Eryth Sea?"_ **

**_"I don't know." Shulk asked."It just seemed natural. Can't you just fix them?"_ **

**_"Normally, I could." Alvis explained."But the dispositions are so severe that they affect me, as well. This problem stretches beyond dimensions. Rex should not have been compatible with certain versions within the disposition."_ **

**_"Then how do we stop them?" Shulk asked._ **

**_"I am afraid I do not know." Alvis sighed."In all my power, I cannot find the source of these dispositions. It is not from any world."_ **

**_"Then what do we do?" Shulk asked._ **

**_"Nothing." Alvis sighed."Whatever anomaly causes this is far more powerful, and clearly far more bored, than I."_**

**_"So then what is it we need to fix?" Shulk replied._ **

**_"It's..." Alvis started."Shulk, wake up. It cannot know we have had this conversation. Shulk, R..."_ **

* * *

**_December 1 2020, 9:14 AM. 0 Hours Remain._ **

**_Location: Colony 9_ **

"Man, Shulk's been asleep for forever." Reyn yawned.

And so he wasn't, as he violently shaked into a stting position, coughing all the way.

"Shulk! You're awake!" Dunban said in relief."What happened up there?"

"I don't recall." Shulk groaned."I don't recall anything."

Before Shulk could get his bearings, Reyn went in for a massive shoulder hug, with Riki getting in on the action.

"You did it, mate!" Reyn patted Shulk on the back.

"W-wait, I did?" Shulk replied in utter confusion.

"The doctors checked your nut levels." Dunban reassured Shulk."And sure enough, you have it stockpiled for the 30 days."

"Hahaha!" Reyn laughed."Come on, we gotta go and claim the prize! Last one there's a rotten Flamii Egg!"

Reyn and Riki proceeded to stumble out of the medical wing and on to the massive podium, where their prize awaited.

However, Dunban stuck around. Shulk stood up and looked down on his gift of tissues and lotion.

"What are you going to do now?" Dunban asked.

"Those who carry on the will of those who have nutted must keep moving forward." Shulk replied."I must now find what to use my big nut on."

"You can nut to my Porn Collection." Duncan responded."It will do, Shulk. That is the honor that those who have survived may take."

Shulk and Dunban stood up. Taking one last look at the morning sun, they went out.

"Let's go." Shulk said."To my bathroom."


End file.
